Good Deeds: For Others or For Ourselves?

Good Deeds: For Others or For Ourselves?

In the last few months I have been thinking of why it is that we do good deeds. Whether it be donating money, time, etc. or just holding the door open for the people coming in the door behind you, are you doing it for yourself or for them? Sure, everyone benefits from it. The starving kids in Africa or the people who were affected by Hurricane Katrina are certainly benefiting from it. But doesn’t it give you an amazing feeling on the inside when you know that you have done something for others, something unselfish.

How unselfish is it though? Would we give as much to others if it didn’t make us feel good? Is it wrong to give to others for selfish reasons? Would we do it if we didn’t receive some kind of reward? How much of a reward is enough?

When we let someone go ahead of us in line or hold the door open for someone, are we doing it for the “thank you” we would possibly receive? If we only do good deeds for the reward then people won’t be doing good deeds for much longer. I still hold the door open for people even if they are completely capable of doing it themselves. Why do I do it? Because it makes me feel good about myself. I helped someone out without them having to ask for it.

It’s completely selfish. Sure the other person is benefiting from it but at the end of the day I do it because it makes me feel good. Even if they don’t say “thank you” it was still worth it because I believe in karma and paying it forward.

If a child finds money on the ground and turns it into the police for someone to claim it should that child receive a reward? If yes, how much of one? Does it need to be a materialistic reward or is the fact that he did the right thing and received a verbal “thank you” enough?

What are we teaching the people that look up to us if after we do a good deed and receive no reward, we complain? Is it not worth just doing it for the fact that it is the right thing to do? People are always going to cut you off on the freeway and not say “thank you” when you hold open the door, but does that mean that we shouldn’t continue to do it? Or that we should complain when they don’t? What makes it okay to yell at someone when they cut you off? There is always someone having a worse day than you and it could very well be the person that didn’t say “thank you.” So who are you to judge them for not saying thank you? Karma will come back around. In my 20 years of living, that is one of the biggest things I have learned.

It's Almost Time

Two weeks from today I will be sitting in a hotel anticipating the next morning. The next morning I will be shipping out to Basic Training for the Air Force.

I've always been one to share what's going on in my life and the way that I feel about those things but lately I feel like I can't, or shouldn't. Maybe it's because no one will understand or because I'm afraid to invest and depend on people that I won't be able to see or talk to for two months. I love the people in my life and I want to continue to have them there. But how do I know that two months without me won't make them realize that I'm not as important as I once was?

In a lifetime, two months is microscopic. But in this microscopic moment, two months seems like a lifetime. I love my boyfriend more than anything. I have done more growing in the last 9+ months with him than I can even process. I've become irritable with him lately and we argue a lot. Part of me is trying to distance myself from so I can avoid being hurt. Another part is trying to push him to see if he really will stick around during the tough times. Then there's the part that just wants to say fuck it and get out while I can before I get hurt and completely lose it. But I can never forget the largest part of me that wants nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together. He is the love of my life and he has helped me to become the person I am today.

When we have our good days I am the happiest I have ever been. He makes me laugh and I can be myself around him. He has fully taken the crazy woman in me. No matter the attitude, grouchiness or psycho-self-conscious white girl that wakes up in the morning he has handled it. He has helped me get through everything that has happened in the last 9 months. I lost my job, tried to learn to be separate from my parents, moved out, decided to go into the Air Force, and that's just a small percentage of the things that have happened. He's one the strongest people I know and he doesn't even know it.

So how do I leave behind the man that has meant more to me than anything???

I don't. I've decided to take him with me. Keep on my mind and in my heart. He won't be there physically but I will always keep him in me. I have to work my butt off to show him that he is always of those things to me. But I can't expect him to want to stay with the bitch that I've been. He deserves better than that. He's earned more than that. I love him. He should know that.

A New Year, A New Attitude

It seems it is typical of the new year for everyone to try to talk about how they are changing themselves or they want to reinvent themselves. Well, I've jumped on the band wagon, I suppose. I recently decided to join the Air Force. I couldn't be happier with my decision. It's something I chose to do for myself and it will give me the ability to take control of my life. Not everyone agrees with my decision but most are being supportive. This I am extremely grateful for.

I have also made the decision to move in with my boyfriend. I've already got most of my stuff over there and I'm so excited. We argue and get mad at each other but there isn't anyone else in the world that I want to be with. My parents met him this morning (which is a huge step, by the way) and they LIKE him. I couldn't be happier about the fact that they do. They took us out to get us two shelving units and an entertainment center for our room. The last blog I wrote was about my, now, ex-boyfriend and my Dad kept saying that he likes my new boyfriend better than my last one. Haha. Not surprising. And my current boyfriend was extremely excited to hear that. ;)

In the past I have always done as parents told me to do or they suggested in the guilty fashion. My parents have never steered me wrong and their advice has always been accurate. Unfortunately, what they want for me and think I would be good at is nursing. I don't have a desire to be a nurse. I believe my parents when they say that I would make a good nurse. But part of being a good nurse is wanting to be one. I understand what my parents are saying but I have to do what I think is best for my life.

2009 was a huge year for me. I never would have thought in a million years that I would join the Air Force or fall in love and move in with a guy. Or that my parents would be in support of it all. They really have grown to respect my decisions. They do not agree with them and they are expressing their concerns but they know the decision is mine. 2009 has documented a lot of firsts in my life. Lost my virginity, fell in love, stood up to my parents, made the decision to join the Air Force and to move in with a guy, gotten a ticket, gotten drunk, got a surprise party, had a boyfriend on my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. This is also the longest relationship I have ever been in. I couldn't be happier about all of the things that I have gone through in the past year. I can't wait for this year to start rolling.

When Do You Say "Enough is enough?"

I've been in a relationship for 2 months now. Unfortunately, we've both been doing a lot of traveling lately. He was in Washington for a week, a week later he left on tour with his band and the day before he came back I went on a camping trip and to watch my parents house. While he was in Washington he didn't call or text me once. He went up there with his best friend because she was going to visit her girlfriend and didn't want to go alone. His phone doesn't work out of state but he was supposed to use his friend's phone to get a hold of me. He never did. Not once. I at least called every night to say, "Good night."

The day he came back he was going to be in SF for Pride. I was staying in the Bay at my brother's house so I decided to go see him since it had been a week since I had seen him. His friends decided to get drunk in the hotel room so we ended up babysitting them for about 7 hours until I finally had to go home.

The next day I was going to Pride with 2 of my friends as well. Him and I were supposed to meet up but that didn't happen until about an hour and a half before I had to leave to go pick up another friend. That night my brother had invited my boyfriend to come to game night so they could meet and get to know each other. This was important to me because I don't let very many people meet my brother and he doesn't invite very many people to his house that he doesn't know. The boyfriend didn't end up coming because he said that the weekend was supposed to be for him and his friends. I totally understand that but he had just spent a week with his friend and all I wanted was a few hours of his time.

On Sunday, his friends ended up sick so they all went home and I didn't see him at all. When I got back home he didn't make any effort to see me. It took me telling him that I was upset with him and that we needed to talk for him to come over. That was Wednesday and the first time we had spent time alone in about 10 days. I told him how I felt and he said that he understood and he was sorry for not better communicating, he just wanted to leave everything behind for a week. Totally understandable but responsibilities will always be there.

Things went back to normal and we spent some time together but a week later he left on tour. Out of the 5 days that he had been gone he text me once. Which was disappointing because he had told me that he would text me every morning and night. The following Sunday there was a show in SF and I was staying in the Bay again so I went. It took a lot of favors to get me there and a lot of time. When I had asked him if he was alright with me going he said, "That's fine." The response I was hoping for would have been a bit more enthusiastic. By the time I got there, I was tired and annoyed but I put on a smile. He hugged me like he just saw me the day before. I was hugely disappointed. They had to leave right after the show for LA so we didn't get any time together.

I text him that night telling him that when he takes the initiative to start conversations it lets me know that he cares. He text me Monday night after sleeping all day because of the drive and he said that he would start doing that more. We text until about 10 and then I didn't hear from him. Two days later, Wednesday, I get a call from his mom telling me that his phone is broken so he can't get a hold of me. It was a good effort to get a hold of me but if he can call his mother then he can certainly call his girlfriend.

I got a myspace message from him letting me know that his phone was broken. I left on a camping trip that Sunday where I wouldn't have cell phone reception so I left my phone at home. When I came back on Thursday I didn't have anything from him on my cell or the internet. I messaged him on myspace asking if he got a new phone and he hadn't. We've had a message a day back and forth but that's it. He had told me that he was going to come visit me while I am house sitting my parents house but he says he can't do it because of money. Understandable, except that he told me he would do it.

Now I'm going back home and I'm not sure what to do. We're great when we're together but I can't only be in relationship when I'm sitting in front of him. Unfortunately, he has no idea what's going on with me. No idea that I have gone back and forth with the idea of breaking up.

Do I stay knowing that I have to ask for the small things? That he has no follow through? That I will always wonder if he's going to text me? Does he still even want to be in this with me? Can you have a relationship with someone who thinks of this as "out of sight, out of mind?"