It's Almost Time

Two weeks from today I will be sitting in a hotel anticipating the next morning. The next morning I will be shipping out to Basic Training for the Air Force.

I've always been one to share what's going on in my life and the way that I feel about those things but lately I feel like I can't, or shouldn't. Maybe it's because no one will understand or because I'm afraid to invest and depend on people that I won't be able to see or talk to for two months. I love the people in my life and I want to continue to have them there. But how do I know that two months without me won't make them realize that I'm not as important as I once was?

In a lifetime, two months is microscopic. But in this microscopic moment, two months seems like a lifetime. I love my boyfriend more than anything. I have done more growing in the last 9+ months with him than I can even process. I've become irritable with him lately and we argue a lot. Part of me is trying to distance myself from so I can avoid being hurt. Another part is trying to push him to see if he really will stick around during the tough times. Then there's the part that just wants to say fuck it and get out while I can before I get hurt and completely lose it. But I can never forget the largest part of me that wants nothing more than to spend the rest of our lives together. He is the love of my life and he has helped me to become the person I am today.

When we have our good days I am the happiest I have ever been. He makes me laugh and I can be myself around him. He has fully taken the crazy woman in me. No matter the attitude, grouchiness or psycho-self-conscious white girl that wakes up in the morning he has handled it. He has helped me get through everything that has happened in the last 9 months. I lost my job, tried to learn to be separate from my parents, moved out, decided to go into the Air Force, and that's just a small percentage of the things that have happened. He's one the strongest people I know and he doesn't even know it.

So how do I leave behind the man that has meant more to me than anything???

I don't. I've decided to take him with me. Keep on my mind and in my heart. He won't be there physically but I will always keep him in me. I have to work my butt off to show him that he is always of those things to me. But I can't expect him to want to stay with the bitch that I've been. He deserves better than that. He's earned more than that. I love him. He should know that.